Elbow grease

This post is about hard work. It's more American than your post.

You wish you were this America.

I'm not as patient as I tend to let on. When I think a plate is clean, my wife shows me that it is not. When I think Magoo has had enough pureed cheesy vegetable soup, she shows me that I'm wrong. When I want to bottle this pale ale two days early, she kindly implores me to wait.

I tell myself that she does this because she loves me, and because she's got an awesome track record in the "being right" department (~100%).

I didn't clean the ten bottles I used last time, that was all her. I didn't have the exquisite pleasure of wrestling with label glue, tearing paper, and musty old beer stank from bottles I didn't rinse as well as I thought (see: not patient). But with this batch, which is almost five times bigger, I had to wash all of them. Which I would normally complain about-- except I took mental notes.

Following is a review of beers and breweries... by the experience of removing their labels from the bottle.

Victory Brewing Company

Beers used: Dirt Wolf IPA

Even after soaking in blazing hot water for fifteen minutes, it was rough coming off. And the paper didn't hold together very well. Hence, poking around said blazing hot water for scraps of paper. 

Rating: Wag of the finger

George Killian's

Beers used: Do they make more than one?

I noticed this one needed to soak a long time, too. The paper tended to hold together pretty well, but it left an assload of glue behind. Even in hot water for twenty minutes, it didn't scrub off easy. But no neck labels, and the bottles have that funny bubble in the neck, which I think is cool. But it's hard to justify all that scrubbin's.

Rating: I'm grumpy now.

Full Pint Brewing Company

Beers used: Rye Rebellion Stout

The paper was pretty plasticky, so there was no way it was going to tear.  It took a lot of effort to finally get the label off, but the amount of glue left behind: sweet Fanny Adams.

Rating: Nice! Also, I'm a strong dude.

Brooklyn Brewery

Beers used: Brooklyn Lager
I am now convinced. There is a chemist who works at this brewery, whose only job is to develop new and stronger adhesives. Probably using genetically modified oysters. The paper was in shreds, the glue had to be soaked all by itself for twice as long... even then, it left a slimy film before I got it all off. Great, now I need a shower.

Rating: THUMBS DOWN WOULD NOT WASH AGAIN

Labatt Brewing Company

Beers used: Light Lager with Lime
I didn't know if a clear bottle would be work the work, especially given my disposition to Labatt out of hockey season. The label was 100% plastic, so all it took was a little time and tough fingers. I will give this bottle to someone who is not sure what color pale ale should be.

Rating: I win this time, Canada

Bell's Brewing Company

Beers used: Oberon
I was warned about this one, from Keegan. I gathered these bottles with slight hesitation, wondering how much more difficult it would be to get the labels off. The other option was Killian's, the devil I knew. I took them both. The moment of truth... they came right off. Neck label, front, back labels came clean off after only 15 minutes. Minimal glue. Huzzah for Michigan!

Rating: I want to swim in a lake and pick an apple and plant a pine tree because of my state

Atwater Brewery

Beers used: Vanilla Java Porter
Man, my state sucks. Michigan can bite me.

Rating: You Midtown hipsters trying to ruin my night?

Anheuser-Busch GlobalCorp Soul Devouring Inc. Unlmtd.

Beers used: O'Douls
It's official. I'm an O'Douls man now.

Rating: I feel like that should have been harder and also that's what she said


Enjoy your night! I know I will enjoy mine: waiting, biting my nails, reminding myself that waiting one more day to bottle the beer isn't going to cause any death or serious injury.